Tuesday, April 28, 2009
8:05 AM
happy endings, just what are they and who are we to define them. past events have crushed my belief in happy endings. a marriage of more than 20 years can just come to halt just because of a simple, 'i don't love you anymore'. recently, i've been glued to the tv, i know i shouldn't be, but anyway, i cannot seem to find a show that i define as the perfect ending. they just dont end the way i want it to. then i will just ramble about how i wasted my time chasing after all the episodes. i guess life is the same too. we can never choose our ending. everything depends on luck, fate and simply, god's timing. someone who is a big bully in school and sleeps during lectures can score straight a's while a mugger might not as much as he deserves it. its fate. i may have love someone all my life and given up everything for that one person, but my love may not be recipocrated. its fate. as much as i curse and swear at life (well, sometimes), i came to a conclusion that we can only just accept the shitty nature of life. otherwise we can all just gather at the tallest building and commit suicide. life will never be a bed of roses. so just grit your teeth and make whatever is left of your life meaningful and worthwhile. i swear, i'll never do something that i will regret, again. or at least i will try.
pardon my random blabber about life.
no mother can be better than my mum. i never knew she understood how i felt. that small gesture of hers not only made my day but brought me to tears as well. all those tearful nights, she knew. i guess it just comes with the role of a mother to just know almost everything. i think my mum suffered alot. she deserves a better life, i swear. im crossing my fingers that god would sned her a companion to walk with her through the rest of her years. i mean my bro and i cannot be there for her 24/7. unless im left on the shelf and remain a spinister all me life then definitely, i would take care of my mother and all. but i have big plans. plans to get married and have kids. plans to go places and see the world. not that i dont include her in my plans but, moral of the story, its different when you have a more intimate companion. :) the brief mention of bro reminds me that i miss my bro. he is the 21 year old that behaves like a 3 year old kid. annoying but being the magnanimous me, i love him still. army took my brother away. i want him back.
im pretty sure im a big disappointment to my teachers. especially yew and tan. i know they expected great things from me, knowing that im capable of it and blah blah blah. but things have changed, i have changed, no doubt. im no longer the mug-when-i-know-have-to kinda girl anymore. i was possessed and now am the who-gives-a-shit kinda girl. i dont know what changed me, but i hate this change and i want to rebuke it. i won't say im trying very hard but i am. laziness and procrastination takes control of me. i have yet to see the need to study and fuck, i really need to study. its not a choice. i dont want to disappoint people who hold high hopes of me. i want them to be actually proud of me. but why the fuck am i not doing anything?! i get on my nerves sometimes. talk is cheap and action speaks louder than words, i know i know. so no more i will do this and that, but i must do this and that. i must.
studying, now makes me ponder why i chose to go to a jc? and why i gave up my chance to be in a poly. but nows not the time to think of such stuff. ive come thus far and like what i said, acceptance is the only way now.
screw my fugly fringe. grow please grow. :(
now, a heart of stone.
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HELLO EARTHLINGS!
DENISE LOVES YOU.
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